Losing my way!

I have been feeling alittle "under the weather" these past few days. I haven't been eating much. Think I may have a "bug" or something. Anyway, my whole attitude about myself has really taken a dive too. I don't want to get out of bed. I dont want to even dress myself. And as stated before, I dont even eat. And most of all, I have this throbbing headache that wont go away! And I know that its because of I havent had any Dr. Pepper in 2 days! (yea, I'm having caffeine withdrawls)

But really, I hope that once this "bug" I got is over with, I can go on back to my everyday life. That's what I thought, until the unthinkable happened. My DVR broke! I didnt think that Directv equipment would just stop working like that! Guess your wondering why its such a big deal. Well, when you have a 5 year old and all of his movies are on the DVR, you will understand. (Everything was saved on there from Cars to Jurassic Park)

Well, as for me.  The one song that everytime I hear it (Patti Labelles' version of A Change Is Gonna Come), I think of Teresa. It was a recording that I have saved for over a year now on that DVR. And now its gone! That was the one song that I had been searching for to sing at her funeral. I just never knew that I had it recorded. Since the Patti Labelle recording was over two hours long, I never watched all of it. That was until after Teresas' funeral and I saw it. I vowed to never lose that recording. And now its gone!

You may think that is something so petty! And I could probably find that recording somewhere on the internet. But, I wanted it for myself! On my tv! The same as Teresa. I want to see her again. Tell her I'm sorry for not spending all day with her instead of those few minutes to an hour I spent with her. Sorry for missing some of her doctors appointments because I had just gotten off the work the night before and I was really wanting to stay home and sleep in my own bed. Sorry for never taking "Shady"(her dog) to get groomed and spayed! Sorry for not coming to the hospital on my birthday because my back went out (and you died the next day!). Sorry for just not believing that she would actually die!

I'm just so sorry.

Will you share?

I started back to work

For my own personal reasons, I have been off work for almost 6 months now.

Personal reasons, huh? Well, yeah. My husband has been fortunate to have a good enough job where he could take care of the household. But, I started to see how "tired" he was working 50+hours a week sometimes. And I didn't want to continue to have that weight on his shoulders.

For heavens sake, I am a nurse! I can find a job in many places. But, I left nursing for one main reason. I worked at a chemical dependent/psych behavioral center. As a nurse and a Christian, I am not suppose to judge people. But to provide the best care for them that I possibly can. But, after Teresa died, it made my judgements of people worse! Its like those patients didn't care whether they lived or died. And would do "anything" to show that they didn't value their own lives! And there Teresa was everyday trying to just "live" another day!

So out of respect for not only my the nursing field, I wanted to respect Teresa. To not have all that anger build up inside of me and lose the one thing (my nursing license) that she was so proud that I had.

Now, back at work. Its better for me. I don't have those "feelings". I try to help those patients by telling them the story of my sweet sister, so that they can see that they too should value their life.

We will see how that works out.

Happy ST. Patricks Day to you all. I remember on these days, I liked looking for whether Teresas' green to see if I could "pinch" her or not! Well, I always pinched her juicy jaws no matter what day it was!  ha ha

Will you share your stories?

A Quick Breakfast

This morning I had breakfast with my sister,Trini and Micheal. It was a simple meeting at one of the local restaurants here in town.

When we walked in, I couldn't help but to look at the table we all us to sit at with Teresa. I still can remember the laughs and good times we had sitting there enjoying not only our breakfast, but each others company.

Its funny, how this was the first time we all meet together there, and didn't mention her name. We all just talked about our everyday lives. Funny, huh?

I know that its going to continue to take time for all of us to heal. I think now, we all just finding ways to deal with the reality that Teresa is really gone.

If you don't mention your loved ones names anymore, do that take the pain away and help you to heal?

Will you share your healing story?