My Memorable Videos!

If you read my last blog, I was so upset since my DVR messed up. That DVR held 2 of the most precious videos that reminded me of Teresa. It was just as hard to lose them as it was losing her. I wanted to include them today so that you could see how they helped me daily to heal.

The first is by Yolanda Adams (Walk On). It reminded me that after all of Teresas' struggle to walk and breathe everyday, that she DID walk on to heaven!!! Below is the clip of the video.

And the last one was of Patti Labelle (A Change Is Gonna Come). This reminded me of how Teresa always wanted her family around. And they disappointed her by not showing up. Therefore, I felt that her death proved to them all that a change needs to come! The first video is her live version at her Tribute of  Evening of the Stars and the second is the song performed elsewhere. Here are those video clips:

Thank you all. I hope you will continue to share your thought and prayers for others.

Losing my way!

I have been feeling alittle "under the weather" these past few days. I haven't been eating much. Think I may have a "bug" or something. Anyway, my whole attitude about myself has really taken a dive too. I don't want to get out of bed. I dont want to even dress myself. And as stated before, I dont even eat. And most of all, I have this throbbing headache that wont go away! And I know that its because of I havent had any Dr. Pepper in 2 days! (yea, I'm having caffeine withdrawls)

But really, I hope that once this "bug" I got is over with, I can go on back to my everyday life. That's what I thought, until the unthinkable happened. My DVR broke! I didnt think that Directv equipment would just stop working like that! Guess your wondering why its such a big deal. Well, when you have a 5 year old and all of his movies are on the DVR, you will understand. (Everything was saved on there from Cars to Jurassic Park)

Well, as for me.  The one song that everytime I hear it (Patti Labelles' version of A Change Is Gonna Come), I think of Teresa. It was a recording that I have saved for over a year now on that DVR. And now its gone! That was the one song that I had been searching for to sing at her funeral. I just never knew that I had it recorded. Since the Patti Labelle recording was over two hours long, I never watched all of it. That was until after Teresas' funeral and I saw it. I vowed to never lose that recording. And now its gone!

You may think that is something so petty! And I could probably find that recording somewhere on the internet. But, I wanted it for myself! On my tv! The same as Teresa. I want to see her again. Tell her I'm sorry for not spending all day with her instead of those few minutes to an hour I spent with her. Sorry for missing some of her doctors appointments because I had just gotten off the work the night before and I was really wanting to stay home and sleep in my own bed. Sorry for never taking "Shady"(her dog) to get groomed and spayed! Sorry for not coming to the hospital on my birthday because my back went out (and you died the next day!). Sorry for just not believing that she would actually die!

I'm just so sorry.

Will you share?

I started back to work

For my own personal reasons, I have been off work for almost 6 months now.

Personal reasons, huh? Well, yeah. My husband has been fortunate to have a good enough job where he could take care of the household. But, I started to see how "tired" he was working 50+hours a week sometimes. And I didn't want to continue to have that weight on his shoulders.

For heavens sake, I am a nurse! I can find a job in many places. But, I left nursing for one main reason. I worked at a chemical dependent/psych behavioral center. As a nurse and a Christian, I am not suppose to judge people. But to provide the best care for them that I possibly can. But, after Teresa died, it made my judgements of people worse! Its like those patients didn't care whether they lived or died. And would do "anything" to show that they didn't value their own lives! And there Teresa was everyday trying to just "live" another day!

So out of respect for not only my the nursing field, I wanted to respect Teresa. To not have all that anger build up inside of me and lose the one thing (my nursing license) that she was so proud that I had.

Now, back at work. Its better for me. I don't have those "feelings". I try to help those patients by telling them the story of my sweet sister, so that they can see that they too should value their life.

We will see how that works out.

Happy ST. Patricks Day to you all. I remember on these days, I liked looking for whether Teresas' green to see if I could "pinch" her or not! Well, I always pinched her juicy jaws no matter what day it was!  ha ha

Will you share your stories?

A Quick Breakfast

This morning I had breakfast with my sister,Trini and Micheal. It was a simple meeting at one of the local restaurants here in town.

When we walked in, I couldn't help but to look at the table we all us to sit at with Teresa. I still can remember the laughs and good times we had sitting there enjoying not only our breakfast, but each others company.

Its funny, how this was the first time we all meet together there, and didn't mention her name. We all just talked about our everyday lives. Funny, huh?

I know that its going to continue to take time for all of us to heal. I think now, we all just finding ways to deal with the reality that Teresa is really gone.

If you don't mention your loved ones names anymore, do that take the pain away and help you to heal?

Will you share your healing story?

Do you ever forget?

Its been along time since I've been here. A few weeks actually. Still, long enough to know that something has been going on with me. Other than the sinusitis I have had for 2 weeks, I shouldn't have no excuses. But, look at me. Complaining about "sinusitis"! How dare I say that!

My sister lived years on and off with a crippling disease. Teresa hurt more than I could of ever imagined. But, she never really complained. Except to say that she was tired sometimes. And I have the nerves to get a cold or something and think its the end of the world! Man, do we have our priorities in life mixed up sometimes.

I been thinking about Teresa alot more lately. I already think about her everyday, even if its for a few minutes. But, now, the crying has returned. And its like reliving it all over again. I beat myself up day after day wondering "what if I done this" or "that".

They say that God won't put more on you than you can handle. But, do you ever forget? Its been over 16 years since my mom died too. (And don't get me started on missing her too!) But, I will never forget my mom. Never forget the struggle that neither Teresa nor her went through.

I just want to know do you ever forget? My answer is no. I think we're left here to deal with the choices we made on yesterday. And to correct those choices that we have here on earth today. And never repeat them tomorrow. So, that we may live forever with the our loved ones once again.

Will you share?

Back To Work

It's been a long drawn out winter. Nothing really to do but stay inside out of the cold. I believe this winter has by far been the coldest our town has seen since the ice storm of 1994.

I would suppose alot of this has been even harder for Teresa' husband, Micheal. Especially being at home all the time since his retirement. And now that she's gone, nothing really to.

That's what I feel weighed his decision to start back to work.The night shift at that. But, I would say that since I'm not in his shoes, I cant imagine exactly what he's been going through. Like having to sleep in the same bed they shared every night or looking at the only spot she sat on the couch. Little stuff like that means so much to him. I guess having the job will take his mind off alot of his troubles. I surely wouldn't know what to do if I lost my husband. Would you?

Will you share your story today?

Adding To My Family

Earlier this week, my husband brought home a new puppy. Which now puts us having 3 dogs. I was hesitate at first, but whats done is done. We named her Ava (the other 2 are males-Puncho and Ace). It has been a long week with crate training her. Although, some moments I enjoy just the company of having someone home with me in the daytime while everyone else is at work and school.

I guess your probably wondering if this blog is going to be about my dogs. Well, not actually. Having Ava has really made me think about Teresa alot. Meaning, Teresa had a dog named Shady. Teresa liked her dog. And I did too. Shady would sit and wait at the road for me everyday. Follow me down the long driveway and then all the way into the house. Shady would sit there until I came back out, because she knew I always had some to eat for her. And then she'd follow me all the way back out the driveway and run beside my car down the road until she couldn't run anymore. This reminds me too of how Teresa waited for me every day. Teresa would always say,"I knew you were coming (to see me)". And my day wouldn't be complete if I didn't see her neither.

Well, Shady had puppies. And of course, I was the first to get one. I named him Tyson (that's a pic of him above). I toted him around in a basket. Teresa would just roll her eyes at me and laugh. But, as Tyson grew up, he got more curious about the world. And one day he never came back. I searched high and low for him. Even passed out a few fliers. To this day, Tyson never returned. Shady did have more puppies after that, but I didn't get one this time.

After Teresa got really sick, Shady would leave home more and more. Sometimes for days. It was strange that  not long after Teresa died, Shady and her puppy left one day and never came back neither. We never knew what happened to them. Just a mystery. I just hope that wherever they went, it was in peace. Just like Teresa did. I miss them all, Teresa, Shady, Tyson and the puppy.

Will you share your story today?

Too Much Snow?

So far this past month, our little town has been overwhelmed with snow.  First of all, we had a white Christmas this year. It snowed late Christmas Eve night and we woke up to a such a beautiful Christmas filled with snow everywhere. We couldn't believe our eyes! Yep, in the south, that's unheard of. 

Now, the most reason snow we had was earlier this week that measured 6 to 9 inches in some areas. How excited that has made everyone here. But, like I said that was almost a week ago and temperatures haven't rose much past freezing, and the ice and snow is still here. I know everyone in our town is wishing now that it would melt. Because when our town even gets an inch of snow, it shuts down completely. (We're thankful for it though.)

I remember my mom telling us when we were younger of how she only saw a white Christmas once in her lifetime. Those days led me to dream of one day seeing one for myself. And now, I finally have!

This leads me to think of how both, Teresa and my mom, would of loved to have seen it. Times like these make you really miss your loved ones. I miss them daily. Think of them daily. And wish to one day see them again in heaven. 

Will you share today?

Another Memorial Day

Today, marks the 16th anniversary of my mothers' death. She died at the age of 46 of sinus cancer.

I would like to share today, the remembrance of my mother. I can remember as far back as around 7yrs old. When my mom worked 2 jobs just to support us 6 kids (our father died a month after I was born of leukemia). My mom walked to and from work (3 miles each way). She was a strong women. One that didn't ask for no hand-outs.

I remember when I was in high school when she told us she had cancer. I didn't really know what it was. I just remember her on the phone telling family that she had it. And I used to ask myself, "why she telling folks?"  And I can recall the drives with my brother and her that we made up to Memphis to get her radiation therapy.  Oh, the looks people gave her for having all those radiation drawings in her face. But, you know what? My mother still held her head up high.  And when her hair fell out. She had the cutest peach fuzz you ever wanted to see. My mother was proud of it too.

But, the sickness soon came and got worse. I remember her barely eating. Or when the home health nurse came to refill her pain pump and to make visits. I remember that last day the nurse was there because it was my mothers birthday and I was due any day with my first child. I asked the nurse was the pain in my back and the constant peeing normal. The nurse told me no and I needed to get to the hospital. I left and went to the hospital. I had my baby girl at 11:59pm ,on my mothers' birthday. A miracle, huh?

Soon the pain got even more unmanageable for her and she was admitted to the swing bed at the local hospital. Little did we know it, my mother would never return home.

The irony of my whole story is this. My sister, Teresa, stayed with my mom at the hospital 24/7. Teresa was at her side through it all. My sister would never leave her alone unless someone else in the family was there with her. Teresa felt that our mom should never be alone. I know Teresa got tired and needed a break, but she never asked for it. She wanted to be there with our mom. I was there the night before she died. I remember sitting there with my new baby and my mom keep singing some gospel songs. And she was acting differently. Just before I left, I cut the reading light on behind her and she laid there mumbling things that I didn't understand why she wasn't making sense.

Yet the next morning was a Monday, January 9th, I had my 6 weeks followup exam at the doctors office. Teresa had to take me and we had to leave at 7am. For some reason Teresa didn't want to leave her by herself until we got back.

As we sat in the busy doctor office, Teresa was getting inpatient cause they were taking so long. Finally an hour and half later, I was in the back to see the doctor. I remember sitting there on the exam table and all of a sudden everything went complete SILENT. I walked over to the door, and looked in the hallways and no one was there. I got scared and back to sit down! I looked up at the clock, it was exactly 11am. I soon thought of my mom for some reason. Then its like the noise came back on or some! And the doctor walked in apologizing for the long wait.

As Teresa and I left there and made a stop by the drive-thru for a quick meal, the song "The Storm Is Over" came on. We looked at each other. As we were driving down the road, we were in complete silence too.

As we made it back to our hometown, we saw her mother-in-law and she flagged us down. She told us we needed to go over to the hospital right away. Teresa looked at me then, and asked me "if momma was okay, would I be alright". I didn't know how to answer that. But, then she said to me "this is why I don't want to ever have kids, cause I don't want them to watch me die." I quickly asked her "what about me then?" She didn't answer.

When we pulled up at the hospital, I saw my moms car parked on the side. I could see all the balloons and flowers that people had given her through the windows of the car. My brother came out and told us "momma died this morning at 11am." (Can you believe the irony of that?) He went on to say that her brother was here when she died. All I could think of then was that out of her 6 kids, none of us were there. That has bothered me for years!

Sorry, that I had such a long post this time. I wanted to tell you about my mother. I re-live this scenario every year! I just wanted to share with you how Teresa was there for my mother everyday while she was in the hospital.And in the end, her husband done the same for her too!

Teresa opened her eyes minutes before she passed away. I will forever believe that she was looking to make sure that she didn't die alone. I was just so thankful that I got to be there with her. 

Forever thankful that I had such a wonderful mother, father and sister. And there lives will forever live through our generations to come.

Will you share your story today?

Happy Birthday

Today would of been Teresas' 42nd birthday. I never would of thought that she wouldn't be here this year to celebrate it. I spoke with her husband today. He said that he called her old cell phone number just to hear her voice. I done the same. It was so good to HEAR her voice again. It was like a gift to me.

I went to her grave today too. There were so many beautiful flowers still there. So many memories of her to share that its impossible to tell you about them all.

I just wanted to post my happy birthday wish and share a special photo of her on her 40th birthday that we surprised her with.

Thank you Teresa for being my sister and friend. Happy Birthday from your family.

Will you share a special moment too?

2011...Missing my Tea

Happy New Year! 2011 is finally here. I used to say "this year(2010) came and gone so fast". But, I cant say that about 2010. It seemed like it would never be over. I guess since I kept counting the days, weeks and months EVERYDAY since Teresa died. Yep, that's what made 2010 seem even longer.

Every year, at midnight on New Year, we'd call each other to wish each a happy new year. I could still hear her voice saying "happy new year cunn!" What I wouldn't do to have that call again this new year. Teresa will forever be missed.

We did celebrate the homecoming of my niece. But, even Teresa presence was missed by everyone.
I have no new year resolutions other than to continue to be with family as much as possible. Because when their gone.....their gone!

Share your thoughts of your loved one.