My Memorable Videos!

If you read my last blog, I was so upset since my DVR messed up. That DVR held 2 of the most precious videos that reminded me of Teresa. It was just as hard to lose them as it was losing her. I wanted to include them today so that you could see how they helped me daily to heal.

The first is by Yolanda Adams (Walk On). It reminded me that after all of Teresas' struggle to walk and breathe everyday, that she DID walk on to heaven!!! Below is the clip of the video.

And the last one was of Patti Labelle (A Change Is Gonna Come). This reminded me of how Teresa always wanted her family around. And they disappointed her by not showing up. Therefore, I felt that her death proved to them all that a change needs to come! The first video is her live version at her Tribute of  Evening of the Stars and the second is the song performed elsewhere. Here are those video clips:

Thank you all. I hope you will continue to share your thought and prayers for others.

Losing my way!

I have been feeling alittle "under the weather" these past few days. I haven't been eating much. Think I may have a "bug" or something. Anyway, my whole attitude about myself has really taken a dive too. I don't want to get out of bed. I dont want to even dress myself. And as stated before, I dont even eat. And most of all, I have this throbbing headache that wont go away! And I know that its because of I havent had any Dr. Pepper in 2 days! (yea, I'm having caffeine withdrawls)

But really, I hope that once this "bug" I got is over with, I can go on back to my everyday life. That's what I thought, until the unthinkable happened. My DVR broke! I didnt think that Directv equipment would just stop working like that! Guess your wondering why its such a big deal. Well, when you have a 5 year old and all of his movies are on the DVR, you will understand. (Everything was saved on there from Cars to Jurassic Park)

Well, as for me.  The one song that everytime I hear it (Patti Labelles' version of A Change Is Gonna Come), I think of Teresa. It was a recording that I have saved for over a year now on that DVR. And now its gone! That was the one song that I had been searching for to sing at her funeral. I just never knew that I had it recorded. Since the Patti Labelle recording was over two hours long, I never watched all of it. That was until after Teresas' funeral and I saw it. I vowed to never lose that recording. And now its gone!

You may think that is something so petty! And I could probably find that recording somewhere on the internet. But, I wanted it for myself! On my tv! The same as Teresa. I want to see her again. Tell her I'm sorry for not spending all day with her instead of those few minutes to an hour I spent with her. Sorry for missing some of her doctors appointments because I had just gotten off the work the night before and I was really wanting to stay home and sleep in my own bed. Sorry for never taking "Shady"(her dog) to get groomed and spayed! Sorry for not coming to the hospital on my birthday because my back went out (and you died the next day!). Sorry for just not believing that she would actually die!

I'm just so sorry.

Will you share?

I started back to work

For my own personal reasons, I have been off work for almost 6 months now.

Personal reasons, huh? Well, yeah. My husband has been fortunate to have a good enough job where he could take care of the household. But, I started to see how "tired" he was working 50+hours a week sometimes. And I didn't want to continue to have that weight on his shoulders.

For heavens sake, I am a nurse! I can find a job in many places. But, I left nursing for one main reason. I worked at a chemical dependent/psych behavioral center. As a nurse and a Christian, I am not suppose to judge people. But to provide the best care for them that I possibly can. But, after Teresa died, it made my judgements of people worse! Its like those patients didn't care whether they lived or died. And would do "anything" to show that they didn't value their own lives! And there Teresa was everyday trying to just "live" another day!

So out of respect for not only my the nursing field, I wanted to respect Teresa. To not have all that anger build up inside of me and lose the one thing (my nursing license) that she was so proud that I had.

Now, back at work. Its better for me. I don't have those "feelings". I try to help those patients by telling them the story of my sweet sister, so that they can see that they too should value their life.

We will see how that works out.

Happy ST. Patricks Day to you all. I remember on these days, I liked looking for whether Teresas' green to see if I could "pinch" her or not! Well, I always pinched her juicy jaws no matter what day it was!  ha ha

Will you share your stories?

A Quick Breakfast

This morning I had breakfast with my sister,Trini and Micheal. It was a simple meeting at one of the local restaurants here in town.

When we walked in, I couldn't help but to look at the table we all us to sit at with Teresa. I still can remember the laughs and good times we had sitting there enjoying not only our breakfast, but each others company.

Its funny, how this was the first time we all meet together there, and didn't mention her name. We all just talked about our everyday lives. Funny, huh?

I know that its going to continue to take time for all of us to heal. I think now, we all just finding ways to deal with the reality that Teresa is really gone.

If you don't mention your loved ones names anymore, do that take the pain away and help you to heal?

Will you share your healing story?

Do you ever forget?

Its been along time since I've been here. A few weeks actually. Still, long enough to know that something has been going on with me. Other than the sinusitis I have had for 2 weeks, I shouldn't have no excuses. But, look at me. Complaining about "sinusitis"! How dare I say that!

My sister lived years on and off with a crippling disease. Teresa hurt more than I could of ever imagined. But, she never really complained. Except to say that she was tired sometimes. And I have the nerves to get a cold or something and think its the end of the world! Man, do we have our priorities in life mixed up sometimes.

I been thinking about Teresa alot more lately. I already think about her everyday, even if its for a few minutes. But, now, the crying has returned. And its like reliving it all over again. I beat myself up day after day wondering "what if I done this" or "that".

They say that God won't put more on you than you can handle. But, do you ever forget? Its been over 16 years since my mom died too. (And don't get me started on missing her too!) But, I will never forget my mom. Never forget the struggle that neither Teresa nor her went through.

I just want to know do you ever forget? My answer is no. I think we're left here to deal with the choices we made on yesterday. And to correct those choices that we have here on earth today. And never repeat them tomorrow. So, that we may live forever with the our loved ones once again.

Will you share?

Back To Work

It's been a long drawn out winter. Nothing really to do but stay inside out of the cold. I believe this winter has by far been the coldest our town has seen since the ice storm of 1994.

I would suppose alot of this has been even harder for Teresa' husband, Micheal. Especially being at home all the time since his retirement. And now that she's gone, nothing really to.

That's what I feel weighed his decision to start back to work.The night shift at that. But, I would say that since I'm not in his shoes, I cant imagine exactly what he's been going through. Like having to sleep in the same bed they shared every night or looking at the only spot she sat on the couch. Little stuff like that means so much to him. I guess having the job will take his mind off alot of his troubles. I surely wouldn't know what to do if I lost my husband. Would you?

Will you share your story today?

Adding To My Family

Earlier this week, my husband brought home a new puppy. Which now puts us having 3 dogs. I was hesitate at first, but whats done is done. We named her Ava (the other 2 are males-Puncho and Ace). It has been a long week with crate training her. Although, some moments I enjoy just the company of having someone home with me in the daytime while everyone else is at work and school.

I guess your probably wondering if this blog is going to be about my dogs. Well, not actually. Having Ava has really made me think about Teresa alot. Meaning, Teresa had a dog named Shady. Teresa liked her dog. And I did too. Shady would sit and wait at the road for me everyday. Follow me down the long driveway and then all the way into the house. Shady would sit there until I came back out, because she knew I always had some to eat for her. And then she'd follow me all the way back out the driveway and run beside my car down the road until she couldn't run anymore. This reminds me too of how Teresa waited for me every day. Teresa would always say,"I knew you were coming (to see me)". And my day wouldn't be complete if I didn't see her neither.

Well, Shady had puppies. And of course, I was the first to get one. I named him Tyson (that's a pic of him above). I toted him around in a basket. Teresa would just roll her eyes at me and laugh. But, as Tyson grew up, he got more curious about the world. And one day he never came back. I searched high and low for him. Even passed out a few fliers. To this day, Tyson never returned. Shady did have more puppies after that, but I didn't get one this time.

After Teresa got really sick, Shady would leave home more and more. Sometimes for days. It was strange that  not long after Teresa died, Shady and her puppy left one day and never came back neither. We never knew what happened to them. Just a mystery. I just hope that wherever they went, it was in peace. Just like Teresa did. I miss them all, Teresa, Shady, Tyson and the puppy.

Will you share your story today?